TED
When John Bennett was a little boy, he made a wish that Ted, his beloved teddy bear, would come alive. Thirty years later, foul-mouthed Ted is still John's constant companion, much to the chagrin of Lori, John's girlfriend. Though Lori's displeasure is exacerbated by the pair's constant consumption of beer and weed, she's not the one who's most disappointed with John; it may take the intervention of John's boyhood toy to help him grow up at last.

TED 2
Life has changed drastically for thunder buddies John, now a bachelor, and best pal Ted, now married to the woman of his dreams. Problems arise when the couple decide to adopt a child, but the law declares Ted to be property and not a person. Angry and dejected, the lovably foulmouthed teddy bear must now seek legal help from a young lawyer and a legendary, civil-rights attorney to get the justice he deserves.

JUST SAY YES
After causing one too many mishaps while home alone, Ted is mandated to start attending high school with John. After multiple attempts to get himself expelled, he discovers that Blaire sells marijuana to pay the rent that Matty charges her, and she reluctantly supplies him with some. After Ted gets both himself and John hooked on the substance, Matty evicts Blaire from his house after finding out about her drug business. She explains to John and Ted that she insists on living with them instead of her dysfunctional birth family because she sees potential in her cousin and wants to look out for him. Ted bribes Matty with the real mouthguard from Rocky in exchange for letting Blaire stay, and he complies. John and Ted promise Blaire to not do drugs again, but secretly agree to still smoke pot.

MY TWO DADS
After being attacked in the bathroom, John and Ted get back at Clive, the school bully, with a prank call in which they pretend to be his absentee father and humiliate him in public. Despite succeeding, the two feel guilty over hurting his feelings and continue pretending to be Clive's dad in hopes of bettering his life, something they quickly grow to enjoy doing. However, things come to a head when Clive becomes more interested in meeting his father in person at his birthday party. John and Ted hire a mall cop and aspiring actor to pose as Clive's dad, but the ruse is discovered due to him only knowing about Pippin. Although angry, Clive comes to realize that his rival's actions truly did help him out. Meanwhile, Matty is hesitant to receive a colonoscopy due to a painful secret from his Vietnam days. However, he quickly realizes that having Blaire around makes him more comfortable.

EJECTILE DYSFUNCTION
John wishes to watch his first porno, but is too young to rent one. Ted is also barred from this since he's only been alive for eight years. Using fake IDs, the two rent several pornos to watch at home while Susan and Matty are out on a date, but one of the VHS tapes gets stuck in the player. John and Ted sneak into the school building to swap out the AV room's VCR with their own, knowing it's an identical model, but are too late to stop Susan from discovering the porn tape. Already upset at Matty for his dismissive attitude throughout their date, she assumes the porn is his and believes that he no longer finds her exciting. Blaire reassures her that this is not true and lies about the VHS being hers, much to the relief of John and Ted, who have run away from home in shame.

SUBWAYS, BICYCLES AND AUTOMOBILES
As payback for taking the fall for John and Ted in the previous episode, Blaire forces Ted to be her designated driver on Halloween night, which gets in the way of his and John's plans to throw eggs at trick-or-treaters. Ted ends up getting drunk at the party and crashes Blaire's car, with their quest home only being prolonged as they suffer multiple, progressively weirder, setbacks. Meanwhile, John is bored at home waiting for Ted, who promised to be home by 9:00. Susan attempts to remedy this by calling over her friend's eccentric, thirty-eight-year-old son to keep him company. John is unamused by this, but does learn a valuable lesson in seizing every moment of his life. At the end of the episode, John is shocked when Susan's friend's real son arrives.

DESPERATELY SEEKING SUSAN
Blaire believes that Matty and Susan's marriage is unhealthy, given the latter's propensity to let everyone walk all over her, and insists that they undergo marriage counseling. After Matty walks out on a professional counselor, Ted is asked to help instead. While the couple opens up, Susan reveals that she almost became a teacher before settling down with Matty, something Blaire implores her to give another shot. After John and Ted's teacher, Mr. George, is fired for yelling at his genitals in the faculty lounge, Susan is hired to fill in for him. Despite a mostly successful first day, she ultimately decides to remain a housewife, as she is plenty satisfied with what she already has.

LOUD NIGHT
As Christmas approaches, Blaire's friend, Sarah, decides to stay with the Bennetts due to a canceled flight. Matty draws the family's ire after choosing to watch the football game over Susan's choir solo at church, as well as insulting John's masculinity and making insensitive remarks about Sarah. Feeling blown off, he makes a wish on a shooting star much like John did in the past, granting sentience to his childhood toy truck, Dennis, who is even more conservative than he is. Both of their beliefs are challenged when Blaire comes out as sexually fluid and reveals that she and Sarah are a couple. The two almost leave before Matty decides to put his family's happiness first and admits that his beliefs were brought on by his upbringing. Dennis admits that he's gay as well and was projecting this whole time. After everyone reconciles, he drives away to pursue his new life.

HE'S GOTTA HAVE IT
Following the introduction of Sex Ed in his class, John realizes that he may be the only remaining virgin in the student body. He and Ted try to prepare him for sex above all else, and soon enough, John meets a girl named Bethany whom he genuinely likes. However, Ted insists that she won't want to sleep with him if she thinks he's inexperienced, so the two lie about him being a ladies' man with a high body count. Right before John and Bethany can attend the Junior Prom, Bethany decides to break up, not wanting to just be a notch on his belt. After getting arrested and then blowing up at Ted, John goes to the prom separately from him and reveals his secret to the student body, winning Bethany back. The two prepare to have sex at her place, but are interrupted by the news of O. J. Simpson fleeing the cops, much like how Susan and Matty were interrupted by the news of Richard Nixon's resignation in 1974.